Breaking Free

by Tammy Andrews

Even though I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 10 years old, I didn't begin a relationship with him until I was out of high school.  My parents were morally good people, but we rarely went to church.  They taught me what they believed to be right and wrong, but what they didn't know was what God said was right or wrong.  So, there were things they allowed or encouraged that God's word did not.

We are all born with individual personality traits.  Some people are born easy going and genuinely happy all the time.  Some are born quiet and calm.  Others are full of energy even from birth.  These kinds of qualities are often "hardwired" by God.  They remain somewhat the same regardless of how a person is raised or the influences they may have had as they grew up.

As for me, my "hardwiring" is independent, energetic and adventurous.  Because of my hardwiring, my moods can also be extreme.  If I'm happy, I'm real happy.  If I'm down, I tend to be really down and if I'm angry, I can be really angry.  This is one of the areas God continues to work in me to teach me balance.   For example, just because you are hardwired to be energetic, doesn't give you the right to be impatient and frustrated with those who don't do things as quickly as you would like for them to.

When I was growing up, my family all considered me "quick tempered".  We all had a great time together, but everyone knew not to make me mad.  It was just understood and accepted and I was actually kind of proud of it.  After all, I thought that was just who I was, I'd always been that way. My natural tendencies were never questioned or kept in balance.  Soon the "quick-tempered" child grew into a rebellious, angry teenager, then a controlling adult.  When things didn't work the way I thought they should, I would become angry.  If the people around me wouldn't cooperate, I'd get angry.  If life wasn't meeting up to my expectations, I got angry and I stayed that way for days!

Then God blessed our home with two children.  If I had a giant thermometer that registered my frustration level, I would wake up at about 95 degrees every day.  And like a volcano, the least little thing would cause me to erupt.  My entire life, I thought this behavior was normal.  However, God began to show me that what I thought was normal, was out of control.  That my emotions were unhealthy and actually sinful.  And I was teaching two more people to react to everything they did in anger.  I found myself waking up angry and going to bed angry, ashamed and overwhelmed with guilt.

God began to lead me to scriptures about anger and the fruit of the spirit.  Peace, patience, kindness, self-control.... I realized I didn't have any of that.  God assured me that He did save me that day when I was 10, but the rest of His gift was still my choice.  I didn't know what to do.  I wanted to be patient with my children.  I wanted to be a good mom and wife.  Some days I did pretty good, but usually not.  So, I began to pray and ask God to help me change.  I began praying every morning before I put my feet on the floor.  I would say out loud, "God I surrender to you, please help me to control my emotions today".

That's when I started to feel a difference.  I would get thru a situation and realize, "Oh...I did it!!!  I didn't get angry!!  I didn't even yell!!"  I would thank God, because I knew I could not have responded appropriately without His Spirit.  It started getting easier and easier.  Now, don't get me wrong...I still struggle with keeping the "hardwiring" in balance on a daily basis.  But the bondage of anger was broken!!  I just had to continue to learn how to behave differently than I had always behaved.  I had to learn what normal anger felt like and when it crossed the line to become sin.

I was soon introduced to a bible study called "Breaking Free," by Beth Moore.  Through it, God taught me actual steps to freedom that anyone can use.  I learned why I did what I did.  There was a root to my anger and when I allowed God to deal with the root and trust Him to heal me, my life became radically different.

Now, my normal "anger thermometer" reads about 5 degrees.  Rarely do I feel out of control anymore.  I lay down in peace most every night.  If I do lose my temper, I can apologize and know that everybody feels normal human emotions.  My anger now lasts for the moment and I don't hold onto it for days.  I'm truly free to be happy and whole.  God continues to teach me balance not only in my emotions, but in every area of my life.